There's something so nostalgic about the air conditioning kicking on! I don't know what it is because it happens EVERY SUMMER! but it still activates my summer break senses....Makes me want to "get it together." I'm so restless in general this week, and I keep making false starts. I reorganized my white board after I got home tonight and I'm feeling a lot better just after doing that! I basically tried to replicate the systems that worked for me last year because, yk, they Worked, but apparently what worked then isn't going to work forever and ever and ever. So hopefully we learn to adapt!
I'm really really frustrated with myself for getting so behind on everything honestly, especially because of The Reasoning. At this point it's a demonstrable fact that taking two days off writing in a row ruins everything for weeks on end. I KNOW THAT!! I need it so badly!! Now I'm psyching myself out of editing. Arrgh. I want to talk about my House Rules plans but I know that'll just give me the dopamine hit to avoid working on it.. If i have to come up with an upside writing wise, it's that I think I'm in a really good rhythm with the poetry submissions, and it's really helping me build Confidence (the word of the year!) I really didn't expect to go all in on the poetry sidequest, but I think this experience will be crucial to my fiction querying experience, and I WILL send out queries by the end of this year. But I shant speak on that too much ...........
I have a few thoughts about the Homosexual Allegations, and I know it's pretty cheap of me to include them all without any of the necessary context, but whatever. I'm always doing that all the time anyway. I'm trying really hard not to wonder what he's been thinking since the weekend ended and our one text conversation since then hasn't helped! I'm very close to making a Ross Geller pro/con list about it. The Molly Gunn in my brain has a lot to say in circles but the one thought I keep coming back to is, "you're never going to like this as much as the poem you wrote about it." I just don't think that's supposed to be the feeling! But that's how it is. It's sorta insane that I can take things I was giggling and kicking my feet about in my head and then like, the instant I get more information that makes it clear those things are actually Possible, the idea of them is actually nauseating. Get a load of this guy!
The desire to make myself into a character is sooooo strong. But I would be betraying myself for a good story. I really can't believe how tantalizing that sounds! Which is why I'm skimpy on the details--because the minute I start talking about something I can't be sure if it's real, or if I'm just saying it.
The solution, I figure, is thinking about it less and just letting things happen however they decide to, and listening to the body more than the mind, etc, etc, etc... Anyway I will lock all other thoughts on this subject away in a box for a fortnight because WOWWW I AM SO BEHIND ON EVERYTHING ARRHGH!!! I think I'll get on lock in quite a bit this weekend.... I'm at a point with House Rules where it all feels hopelessly terrible and I can't tell if that's just regular Argh state or if the middle section is genuinely quite bad on like, a structural level, but I'm DETERMINED to get back to sending it out. Even if it's terrible. No one has to like it! No one has to even read it! But I am not a coward and I want to become a person who keeps his promises! (hinata hyuga gif)