Head hurts so baaad!! I think this is partially something to do with working--which really might just mean that my work glasses are incredibly out of date perscription wise--but I also Know it's a screen time thing. AND a not-sleeping-enough thing. I've been thinking so much about it since Jarvis mentioned that study where people who got only 6 hours a sleep a night would report that they operate fine and didn't feel tired but actually performed measurably worse than people who got 8+ hours. I NEED to sleep more. Believe it!!
I also need to stare at a laptop less--also thinking about a post I saw that just said "phone is cigarette for eyes" and that really killed me. But instead of doing that rn.... I'm akane-banashi posting. (I think this is my inaugural akane-banashi post on slushpile?? WOW!)
Say it with me now: ONCE AGAIN I have a creative "epiphany" that just happens to work perfectly with something happening in akane-banashi right now, because that series was created in a lab to destroy me specifically. It's been kind of a quiet few chapters since the last competition arc and I haven't had much to obsess over, but this line last week really did throw me: "Her performance was really fantastic. Super cool. But speaking personally... I wish she'd enjoy rakugo more."
Truly floored because it wasn't until I heard that line through Maikeru's eyes (shoutout Michael) that I realized how incredibly dire things are for Akane now that she's studying under Issho. SHE'S GETTING KAISEI'D. It's silly for me to only feel like I'm Getting this now because this literally happened like ten chapters ago
I LOVE how seriously the series took this moment btw. Like I mentioned it at the time but Shomei has CONTINUED to be on Akane's ass about not overworking herself or sacrificing her physical health for rakugo and I adore that so much. I think that's why it felt more like,, yk when Hinata bumps into Asahi and it's this really great little moment demonstrating his hunger for the sport but it doesn't actually become a recurrent problem or anything? That's how this moment felt to me.
And I'm only thinking now that no.... This is not just a one time thing! Akane, one of the most selfish /pos characters in anything ever, who doesn't just want to do excellent rakugo but wants to make everyone think the rakugo she WANTS to do is excellent, is now sacrificing her own "self" and desires for the sake of her craft. Just like Issho taught Kaisei to be: "He's a monster who lives only for his art." Oh nooo!!!
Yesterday I was just sort of thinking..stewing..in my plentiful silent car time at work yk. And I was thinking about the word "bad" again, and how much it's a copout--that if you can't articulate why something is bad beyond that word, you haven't actually said anything. And naturally I started thinking about the way I describe my own writing, and how much time I spend trying to edit out this persistent feeling of "bad" that pervades the work. I get to a point while editing when I can't actually describe why I don't like something, y'know?
Teasing it out, I realized that the thing I'm really trying to get rid of, ultimately, is the sense that I made it. I can really really love something I write--I usually do--but I can't get myself to really believe it's good, because I can tell I wrote it: I can never read my own stuff like a completely detached 3rd party, and I cringe at my own fingerprints.
But what's the point of making something if you edit your entire self out of it? At that point, why write? Even if you can successfully remove all of the recognizable self from something you create, what value do you get out of creating it? With the advent of computer generated content this divide in intent becomes even more important. It isn't enough for something to exist and be beautiful and without flaw: It also has to be made by a person with intent.
You see this exact thing with the akane-banashi shit, because that's what happened to Issho, right--he turned himself into a machine to create the best rakugo performance possible and cull all the bad--and he is MISERABLE because of it! AND! AND! He still isn't even perfect! His own desire for perfection keeps him from ever mastering the one thing he wants to master most!
If you go alllll the way back to her original goal, based off her father's expulsion, then akane-banashi is about defending the greatness of imperfect, tender, human art. Akane's dad got expelled because he showed his personhood on stage, and Akane's wholeee mission is to prove that his work had added value because of that humanity. The place she is right now--"I have become only rakugo"--is the opposite of what she hoped to achieve! She's lost the plot!!
Anyway. Big thing to think about in this, the year of delusional self-confidence, or maybe more like... undoing my own deification of this art form. Doing it for fun on purpose and treating it like it's normal because it is.