when orla gartland wrote "whatever you're meant to feel, you'll feel eventually" that was personal
i started writing a much more negative version of this post in my head and then images of reki's crashout flashed in my brain and i went hmm.... maybe i'm getting ahead of myself..... so i'm going to give a TOTALLY NEUTRAL retelling of events and we will just analyze from there ok.
went into work today with at least three schemes, since cortes came for the afternoon. unfortunately my own behavior came back to bite me in the ass! on the days that we go out on pickups, i've devised about a thousand small ways to waste time on the road so we spend less time back at the shop, a lot of which include me trying to use the power of suggestion on my brother because he's the one driving the truck--and for some reason he chose today, of all days, to internalize all the little Behaviors i've put together and absolutely maximize the dicking around time!! which means my 3 hours with cortes around was cut down to 1!! BOO!!
anyway, i still got to talk to him a bit, and asked him about coming to the show next week, so that's On. this isn't that big of a deal since it's a Work Sanctioned Group Hang, but i do think we'll be carpooling,, so i neeeeeed to clean my car this weekend waah
while we were making plans for that he asked if i have "socials," so i gave him my instagram, and now i am taking a step back from being the least online i possibly could be,, please forgive my story posts in the coming weeks. we don't have to address it.
you can imagine that i was feeling pretty alright about that. and maybe this ... ughhh feeling is just coming down from a high. but i Am feeling Ughhh. and it's because of the trans thing again! yikes! cis gay men terrify me with the power of their opinions!
it's a whole mess of thoughts that i actually do just need to tamp down on and not even verbalize, because asking yourself all that "do i even pass?" and "would he mind?" bullshit couldn't possibly be productive, even if the answer is as bad as you think it is; the fact is i have no evidence that this is something he would even think about. if i'm looking at things as neutrally as possible, well, i figure he must have at least a slightly favorable opinion of me if he's the one asking for a way to contact me outside work and agreeing to come to a show with me, and that's really it. as much fun as i'm willing to have, i don't have any reason to color that opinion further in any direction. and it really is fun when it's just the good kind of delusion!! but now that we're here, i guess the show's over... pack it up.... the businessmen in my brain ruined it
other news: my fudge attempt ended up godawful and it turned out more like frosting, so i'm gonna make brownies for valentine's day and use that to frost them and it should be Coworker OK. also, the board members who were harassing someone at work resigned, which is SUCH a relief because i was getting ready to like, speak in front of everyone at a meeting about it or send out a Strongly Worded Letter, and that sort of thing is just so out of my wheelhouse. sometimes things really do just fix themselves (by which i mean, the people who should've handled it did, and they did an incredible job and i've got so much admiration for them.)
i have so many things to do, and i've been moping around for like two hours about a guy not liking me back when that's literally just something i made up in my head. some could call this Self Sabotage . i'm going to eat dinner!